Jack Brewer Memorial Humor Corner
About Jack Brewer
Jack Brewer was an amazing optimist. He started his PSWD optimist career in the Van Nuys Optimist Club, and served as Secretary/Treasurer under 5 presidents. He moved to Simi Valley and joined the Warner Center Noon Optimist Club, because they met at lunch and he was still working. After he retired, he joined the West Hills Opimits club, and regularly attended meetings at which he would share a bit of whimsy and humor.
Jack was a Distinguished Benefactor to the Optimist International Foundation throughout his Optimist career, so Ed invites you to contribute a joke and a minimum of $5 to the foundation. However, it is not necessary to contribute to the foundation in order for your joke to be published.
WHY DO WE LOVE KIDS?
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout
from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by
this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's
hitting the bottle.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she
said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole
he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT
Some Wisdom of the Ages
- I asked God for a bike, but, since I know God doesn't usually work that way, I stole a bike, then, asked for forgiveness .
- Do NOT argue with an idiot ... He will drag you down to his/her level, and defeat you with his/her experience .
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ; not screaming and yelling like all the passengers in his car .
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage , makes you a car .
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you ; but, remember, it's STILL on the list .
- Light travels faster than sound ; this is why some people appear brilliant , until you hear them speak .
- If I agreed with you , then we'd both be wrong .
- We never REALLY grow up ; we only learn how to 'act-in-public .'
- War does not determine who is right ; only who is left , after the slaughter and the battles
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit ; wisdom is NOT putting it in a fruit salad .
- The early bird might get the worm , but the second mouse gets the cheese .
- The Evening News , is where they begin with 'Good evening' , and then proceed to tell you why it isn't .
- To steal ideas from one person , is called 'plagiarism' ; to steal from many , is called 'research.'
- A bus station , is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station .
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole damn box to start a campfire ?
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs?
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish .
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks .
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't really need it
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said , "Implants?"
- Why does someone believe you , when you say there are 4,300,724,124 stars , but need to personally check , when you put up a "wet-paint" sign ?
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head , a beer gut , and still think they are sexy .
- Why do Americans choose from just 2 people to run for president , yet , choose from 50 people for the title of , "Miss America " ?
- Behind every successful man is his woman ..... Behind the fall of a successful man , is usually 'another' woman .
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory .
- You do not need a parachute to skydive.... However , you do need a parachute to skydive twice .
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they DO have some good ideas !
- Always borrow money from a pessimist ..... He won't expect you to pay it back .
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to "go-to-hell" , in such a way , that you will actually look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home , even if you wish they actually were .
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with .
- I discovered I scream the same way , whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark , or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- Some cause happiness WHEREVER they go ; others , WHENEVER they go .
- There's a fine line between cuddling , and holding someone down so they can't possibly get away .
- I used to be indecisive ; now I'm not sure .
- I always take life with a grain of salt (plus a slice of lemon , and a shot of tequila. )
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid .
- To be sure of hitting the target , shoot first , and then call whatever you actually hit , 'the target' .
- Nostalgia , isn't what it used to be
- Some people hear voices , while some see invisible people ..... Others have no imagination whatsoever .
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are chasing after it , as it does when you are in it .
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes , why do some people have more than one child?
- Change is inevitable (except from a vending machine) .
Horses One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Sometimes a picture isn't worth quite a thousand words...
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously..
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in their shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Old ageAn elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.